Don't you just hate the people that, leave a big ol' gap in front of their cars at the light?!

As social animals living in a society, we should all have an understanding of the unspoken rules that apply to everyone. These rules keep order and peace in this world, and should be practiced at all times. They are not laws, but people with common sense do them, because.



Now, one of these rules is:

When you are stopping behind another car at a red light, DO NOT leave a big ol' gap!

The reason:
When you do that, other people cut in!

The real reason though is:
Why? What would possess a human being to leave perfectly good ground that they will have to travel to, when the light turns green anyways, empty?! Who the heck are they leaving it for? pedestrians? ducks? bowling balls falling from the sky?

It boggles my mind everytime I see someone doing this. Sometimes, if the jerk in front of you would just move 5 feet, you'd be able to get on the left turn lane, and make that green light. Other times, you are stuck behind a car like this while your behind is hanging off an intersection, or a rail road track. You can make all the gestures you want, they are not gonna see it. You know why? Because they are too busy staring at the gap!

So please, people, just pay some attention and stop being jackasses, and get your asses where it should be.

Your current estimated hold time is...

Do you ever get an automated voice while you are on hold that gives you an estimated hold time?

Well today, I was put on hold while calling some customer service, and the phone told me I was caller number 4, and had roughly 4 minutes to wait... That was 11:29 am, and as time went on, the phone told me in 4 minutes interval or so, I had 2 minutes to wait, 4 minutes to wait, 6 minutes to wait, 8 minutes to wait, 12 minutes to wait, 14 minutes to wait, 16 minutes to wait, 20 minutes to wait, then 22 minutes to wait. Then at 12:13 am, after the phone told me I had 24 minutes to wait, a human finally picked up the phone.

This whole sherade would be a good idea, if it were correct. If the phone actually gave you a ball park figure of the time and that time gradually decreased, then it'd be useful, like the copy and paster timer thing on the computer.

Even though the copy and paster timer thing fluctuates, it is generally a good estimate at any specific time of the copy process. And it is practically dead on once you get under 30 seconds. I know because I've clocked it before. Why is one a good execution and the other idiotic? Here is the shocking answer, the computer knows the size of the files it's moving. How the heck does a phone system calculate how long each person is going to talk?

What are they even basing their estimation on? An average call in their entire phone history? The last call? The time of the day that people call? Every method would be incredibly inefficient. Instead of trying to be stupidly nice and giving callers a show and dance, just give us the rank we are in the line. At least we know then whether or not to take a much needed bathroom break after half an hour of elevator music.

A dollar fifty, what will that get you now-a-days?

ONE bell pepper. Not a pound of bell peppers, not a bunch of bell peppers, ONE.

The other day I went to Ralph's to get some bell peppers. I saw the price of $1.50 on the tag. I got a bag and proceeded to begin filling the bag with 2 bell peppers. I thought $1.50 was a reasonable price, per lb. That was the only thing I needed, so I went to the checkout line, and waited for my turn.


Clerk: "That would be 3 dollars, please."

Me: "2 pounds? These 2 bell peppers cannot be 2 pounds."

Clerk: "They are 1.50 each."

Me: "Come again?"

Clerk: "They are 1.50 each. Do you still want them?"

Me: "Umm... no, I don't. Thanks."


I didn't want to have them do a price check, because that would take forever, and I would be holding up the line, and I always hate it when other people do that. So I went back to the produce section myself to check, and sure enough, it was $1.50 ea.

O.K. do these peppers have some pork tenderloin in them? Are they actually a type of poultry in disguise? At the bare minimum, are they at least organic? I looked for evidence of any of the above, and couldn't find anything that would indicate they are special in any shape or form. I ended up driving 7 or 8 miles to a Chinese supermarket and spent a dollar some cents on 2 bell peppers at $1.59 per lb, and the green bell peppers were only $1.29 per lb.

Even with gas at 3 dollars a gallon, it's still a cheaper choice, and the peppers tasted more delicious than any other bell peppers I have ever tasted in my life.

Update: I went to another Chinese market on the weekends, and saw bell peppers for 99 cents a pound.

Modern day Jesus, wait for it...

So, Michael Jackson just "died"...

Yeah... right...

The logical part of me do believe he's dead. L.A. Times is reporting it, as well as many other reputable media places. But, the cynical and the chaos-loving-street-fight-train-wreck-watching side of me want to believe that it is a body double laying in the hospital bed right now.

My reasoning behind this:

1. Michael Jackson, the imbalanced attention whore, is definitely capable of pulling a fake death. This is the guy that gave kids "Jesus juice". I mean, c'mon!

2. His plan is to show up randomly here and there in the next 3-40 days to advertise that he is the enbodiment of modern day Jesus Christ. Again, this is the guy that gave kids, "Jesus juice". C'mon a second time!

3. He has a bunch of tours scheduled that he's been postponing and postponing. He has probably been dreading the work, what a better way to evade your commitment and responsibilities than to fake your own death?
4. He has a whole butt load of debt, which ends with death.

So until pictures of his corpse and DNA evidence is released confirming that he is dead, I will wait for his resurrection.

Speaking of pictures of his corpse (if he really is dead), does anyone wonder what he really looks like on his body? Has anyone actually ever seen his body other than his face and hands? Think about it, he never exposes any part of him except the face and hands? It could be 100 degrees outside and he'd still wear a jacket. What is really going on? Maybe he's like a black and white cookie under all the layers.

I think the world needs to know, so please TMZ or Perez Hilton, get the pictures. I'd love to take a gander at the medical miracle that is M.J., the soon to be resurrected.

Oh, and Farrah Fawcett totally got upstaged...
Ed McMahon too...

Poor bastards.

Final message to "Basketball for stomach" & "Ginger faced pixie"

My life as a renter is over, and I'd like to conclude this episode of my life with a message to my oh so unsightly neighbors, who provided me with constant grief and annoyance for 3 years, and will always live at the same place, pretending that they own it.

To man of the rental:

1. When you are out and about on the landlord's driveway, bare feet, and bare chested, please cover yourself. It is very, and I do mean very disturbing to see your round, protruding, basketball of a stomach leading your way. It has very black and soft baby hair on it, patterned and stretched out around the curves of your big belly. Unfortunately, the imagery of this unnatural goiter is burned into my memory. I can only hope that I can eventually erase this image with time, and the joy of my new house.

2. Trash cans do not have to be placed in the specific order of black, blue, green, black. In fact, I think you realized this, when we put the trash cans in the order of black, black, green, blue.

3. Related to 2, and most likely the cause of 1. You drink way too much soda and beer, and eat way too much pizza. Try some good ol' H2O sometimes, and pick up a celery once in a while. It might reduce that basketball to a soccer ball instead.

4. When you share a driveway, you should not park on it. Some walking will not kill or injure you, so don't be afraid.

To woman of the rental:

1. Unfortunately, I don't think our medical science has advanced to a stage, where it can save you from yourself. You have way too many freckles and moles. My advice to you is, try to stay out of the sun, your species prefers cave dwelling anyways.

2. One day, when the economy gets better, you will find a job, so you can stop washing clothes all day and all night. I bet you are sick of going to Costco to get detergent in bulk.

To both of you in the rental:

I want to remind you that you rent a unit in a duplex, you DO NOT own it. Just because you've lived there for a decade or more does not make you the boss. Oh, and how do you like that now you have to park on the street? Miserable, aren't ya, fatties?

Hahahahahahah... Living well is good, but getting revenge just tastes so much better, like a spicy carnitas burrito that leaks grease and salsa juice down the side of your hand and arm.

Smooches.

What's with this marriage last name change for women?

Are we still in the stone age?

Why should I change my last name just coz some guy married me? Does that even make sense? It's not enough that I have to carry the children in my womb for 9+ months, baby pops out and get his last name, I gotta change my name too?

Hear me now, and hear me good:

FUCK THAT!

I like my last name, and I intend to keep it. If one more idiot comes up to me and tells me to:
"just change your last name to make him happy!" I think I'll spit in his face.

Does a guy really need his female companion to take on his name to be happy? If that's the case then you can kiss my ass. No one's gonna ever take my last name, and I gotta make myself happy.

So shut the fuck up, all you penis carriers, and enjoy all the advantages you've got already, and get me a glass of water while you are at it. All this anger is making me thirsty.

What do you mean by "wider"?

Let me put this in context for you.

A while ago, I was on the phone with a client's rep discussing a project we were working on. She wanted to make a header image on an email we sent out bigger. This image is composed of a logo on the left, some character art in the middle, some packaging of clients' products on the right, and a background setting. Below is our conversation:

Her: Could you make this image bigger please? Everything is too close together.

Me: So you wanna spread the logo, the art and the packaging out a little?

Her: Yeah, that would be great.

Me: OK, so I can just make the background wider and spread them farther apart.

Her: Right, we just like it bigger.

Me: ... You want the elements on there to be bigger? or spread out?

Her: No, right, there is no space between the logo and everything else.

Me: ... Do you want me to make everything bigger and spread them out?

Her: ...

Me: I can make the background wider, and separate the elements more. Or I can just make the entire image bigger.

Her: When you say "wider" ... what do you mean by "wider"?

Me: ... (What do I say to explain wider?)

Me: It's ... width wise... left to right.

Her: Ooooohhhh, I thought you meant, like, up and down...

Me: No, that would be taller.

Telephone is a double edge sword. You are glad that your client can't see your shockingly disgusted face, but you are also saddened a little that you can't reach their neck and choke them.