A dollar fifty, what will that get you now-a-days?

ONE bell pepper. Not a pound of bell peppers, not a bunch of bell peppers, ONE.

The other day I went to Ralph's to get some bell peppers. I saw the price of $1.50 on the tag. I got a bag and proceeded to begin filling the bag with 2 bell peppers. I thought $1.50 was a reasonable price, per lb. That was the only thing I needed, so I went to the checkout line, and waited for my turn.


Clerk: "That would be 3 dollars, please."

Me: "2 pounds? These 2 bell peppers cannot be 2 pounds."

Clerk: "They are 1.50 each."

Me: "Come again?"

Clerk: "They are 1.50 each. Do you still want them?"

Me: "Umm... no, I don't. Thanks."


I didn't want to have them do a price check, because that would take forever, and I would be holding up the line, and I always hate it when other people do that. So I went back to the produce section myself to check, and sure enough, it was $1.50 ea.

O.K. do these peppers have some pork tenderloin in them? Are they actually a type of poultry in disguise? At the bare minimum, are they at least organic? I looked for evidence of any of the above, and couldn't find anything that would indicate they are special in any shape or form. I ended up driving 7 or 8 miles to a Chinese supermarket and spent a dollar some cents on 2 bell peppers at $1.59 per lb, and the green bell peppers were only $1.29 per lb.

Even with gas at 3 dollars a gallon, it's still a cheaper choice, and the peppers tasted more delicious than any other bell peppers I have ever tasted in my life.

Update: I went to another Chinese market on the weekends, and saw bell peppers for 99 cents a pound.

Modern day Jesus, wait for it...

So, Michael Jackson just "died"...

Yeah... right...

The logical part of me do believe he's dead. L.A. Times is reporting it, as well as many other reputable media places. But, the cynical and the chaos-loving-street-fight-train-wreck-watching side of me want to believe that it is a body double laying in the hospital bed right now.

My reasoning behind this:

1. Michael Jackson, the imbalanced attention whore, is definitely capable of pulling a fake death. This is the guy that gave kids "Jesus juice". I mean, c'mon!

2. His plan is to show up randomly here and there in the next 3-40 days to advertise that he is the enbodiment of modern day Jesus Christ. Again, this is the guy that gave kids, "Jesus juice". C'mon a second time!

3. He has a bunch of tours scheduled that he's been postponing and postponing. He has probably been dreading the work, what a better way to evade your commitment and responsibilities than to fake your own death?
4. He has a whole butt load of debt, which ends with death.

So until pictures of his corpse and DNA evidence is released confirming that he is dead, I will wait for his resurrection.

Speaking of pictures of his corpse (if he really is dead), does anyone wonder what he really looks like on his body? Has anyone actually ever seen his body other than his face and hands? Think about it, he never exposes any part of him except the face and hands? It could be 100 degrees outside and he'd still wear a jacket. What is really going on? Maybe he's like a black and white cookie under all the layers.

I think the world needs to know, so please TMZ or Perez Hilton, get the pictures. I'd love to take a gander at the medical miracle that is M.J., the soon to be resurrected.

Oh, and Farrah Fawcett totally got upstaged...
Ed McMahon too...

Poor bastards.

Final message to "Basketball for stomach" & "Ginger faced pixie"

My life as a renter is over, and I'd like to conclude this episode of my life with a message to my oh so unsightly neighbors, who provided me with constant grief and annoyance for 3 years, and will always live at the same place, pretending that they own it.

To man of the rental:

1. When you are out and about on the landlord's driveway, bare feet, and bare chested, please cover yourself. It is very, and I do mean very disturbing to see your round, protruding, basketball of a stomach leading your way. It has very black and soft baby hair on it, patterned and stretched out around the curves of your big belly. Unfortunately, the imagery of this unnatural goiter is burned into my memory. I can only hope that I can eventually erase this image with time, and the joy of my new house.

2. Trash cans do not have to be placed in the specific order of black, blue, green, black. In fact, I think you realized this, when we put the trash cans in the order of black, black, green, blue.

3. Related to 2, and most likely the cause of 1. You drink way too much soda and beer, and eat way too much pizza. Try some good ol' H2O sometimes, and pick up a celery once in a while. It might reduce that basketball to a soccer ball instead.

4. When you share a driveway, you should not park on it. Some walking will not kill or injure you, so don't be afraid.

To woman of the rental:

1. Unfortunately, I don't think our medical science has advanced to a stage, where it can save you from yourself. You have way too many freckles and moles. My advice to you is, try to stay out of the sun, your species prefers cave dwelling anyways.

2. One day, when the economy gets better, you will find a job, so you can stop washing clothes all day and all night. I bet you are sick of going to Costco to get detergent in bulk.

To both of you in the rental:

I want to remind you that you rent a unit in a duplex, you DO NOT own it. Just because you've lived there for a decade or more does not make you the boss. Oh, and how do you like that now you have to park on the street? Miserable, aren't ya, fatties?

Hahahahahahah... Living well is good, but getting revenge just tastes so much better, like a spicy carnitas burrito that leaks grease and salsa juice down the side of your hand and arm.

Smooches.

What's with this marriage last name change for women?

Are we still in the stone age?

Why should I change my last name just coz some guy married me? Does that even make sense? It's not enough that I have to carry the children in my womb for 9+ months, baby pops out and get his last name, I gotta change my name too?

Hear me now, and hear me good:

FUCK THAT!

I like my last name, and I intend to keep it. If one more idiot comes up to me and tells me to:
"just change your last name to make him happy!" I think I'll spit in his face.

Does a guy really need his female companion to take on his name to be happy? If that's the case then you can kiss my ass. No one's gonna ever take my last name, and I gotta make myself happy.

So shut the fuck up, all you penis carriers, and enjoy all the advantages you've got already, and get me a glass of water while you are at it. All this anger is making me thirsty.

What do you mean by "wider"?

Let me put this in context for you.

A while ago, I was on the phone with a client's rep discussing a project we were working on. She wanted to make a header image on an email we sent out bigger. This image is composed of a logo on the left, some character art in the middle, some packaging of clients' products on the right, and a background setting. Below is our conversation:

Her: Could you make this image bigger please? Everything is too close together.

Me: So you wanna spread the logo, the art and the packaging out a little?

Her: Yeah, that would be great.

Me: OK, so I can just make the background wider and spread them farther apart.

Her: Right, we just like it bigger.

Me: ... You want the elements on there to be bigger? or spread out?

Her: No, right, there is no space between the logo and everything else.

Me: ... Do you want me to make everything bigger and spread them out?

Her: ...

Me: I can make the background wider, and separate the elements more. Or I can just make the entire image bigger.

Her: When you say "wider" ... what do you mean by "wider"?

Me: ... (What do I say to explain wider?)

Me: It's ... width wise... left to right.

Her: Ooooohhhh, I thought you meant, like, up and down...

Me: No, that would be taller.

Telephone is a double edge sword. You are glad that your client can't see your shockingly disgusted face, but you are also saddened a little that you can't reach their neck and choke them.

Throw it out there enough, it'll stick.

If you are 6 years of age or more, you have been subjected to more internet ads than the days you have been alive. So we became de-sensitized, and learned to not register them for the sake of sanity.

Though this puppy (shown on the left), has caught my attention. I have seen it on news site, forums and just about anything you can think of. I can just see the marketing department genius guy saying, "if we throw it out there enough, it'll stick!"

So what is the "Flat Stomach Rule" that we must all obey? I'm going in, and I'm taking one for the team. This ad leads to http://nichollesweightloss.com, and it talks about some acai berry & colon cleanser supplement shit. I refuse to read it through.

Now I ask you. No, I beg you! Do NOT click on this ad. This ad is a crime against the holy code of Internet, and it is everything that is wrong with our society today! Everytime you click on it, a kitten dies!


BTW, here is the real "Flat Stomach Rule":

1. Put down that bag of potato chips
2. Get on the floor
3. Start doing crunches and/or sit ups
4. Repeat

And there you have it... for free.

$819 Billion dollars... WTF happened to the last 700?

Today, the House passed $819 Billion stimulus bill put forth by President Obama. Am I the only one wondering what happened to the last $700 Billion? Did it all go to the banks who made shifty and questionable loans? Or did some of it go to the biggest and baddest automakers who spent a fortune on the 3rd or 4th vacation homes of CEOs? Or did some end up in the trash somewhere? How did it help the American citizens?

Now the government is going to inject another $819 Billion dollars into the economy. I'd like to suggest something. Instead of trying to regulate who gets it and how those lucky few spend it, how about we try this on for size? You ready? Drum roll please...

We divide it per tax payer, and let us spend it on food/rent/utilities. Let those who are facing homelessness due to prolonged unemployment keep that roof over their head; and let those who are already homelessness-ed sleep in-doors tonight and get something warm to eat. This will give those in need room to breath and hopefully get back on their feet, and when they do, they'll spend some money and inject some wealth into American companies.

How is this different than the tax stimulus plan last year, you say? They've already done it, you say? No one is certain that it did much, you say? Well let me explain how it will be different:

According to the Census Bureau, the U.S. population today is 305,704,003. Let's assume each family is made up of 8 people: Mommy, Daddy, little John, little Nancy and the 4 Grandparents on both side. In this economy, both Mommy & Daddy have to work to put food on the table. Let's assume 2 of the Grandparents are dead, 1 is retired, and 1 is still toiling away (I know this is very very rough, but just bare with me for the sake of argument*). This leaves 3/8 of the entire population working, looking at today's unemployment rate, I'm sure it's less than that.

Anyways, 3/8 * 305,704,003 = 114639001.125 Let's assume that 1.125 person decided to suicide themselves, so we end up with 114639000 people. 819*10^9 (to the number blind, that's 819 billion with 9 zeros) divided by 114639000 = 7144.16

Is this math right? I mean, can this be? Each tax payer can gain more than 7,000 dollars? This number will go even higher when they exclude the Richers, who according to Obama makes more than 250k annually per household. I know I used very rough estimate, but I bet this 7k is not that far from the real deal if they were to divide it up. That, my friends, is a lot of money! I bet all of us can use that money, maybe on stopping your house from being foreclosed on, or buying a house, or a car that you really need.

But of course instead of doing the simplest thing, the government will think of something more convoluted and complicated. I mean that is what we pay them for, isn't it? To save us after the few in power run us to the ground.


*Note: Even if we assume 1 out of 2 people work in this country and pay taxes, each tax payer would get $5358.12.

-> 819*10^9 / ( 1/2 * 305,704,003 )

But we all know that less than 50% of the people in this country work.